My Story, My Blog

I have had a blog for a few years but I haven’t really published anything. Maybe someone will like them or find them useful or maybe just use it to pass some time. The few I have posted though made their way around on a previously used blogging site.

So, what is a blog? Well, I think that varies for each individual blogger. For me it is a way to just post my thoughts, ideas, memories, or just random “whatever’s”.

I never thought anyone really wanted to hear what I had to say until one day I started being asked to tell my story. What story? The story of being a Christ Following mom that was trying her best to get through her past of an abusive marriage. A marriage that resulted in two of the most beautiful children you will ever lay eyes on … next to your own of course 😉. A marriage that resulted in broken bones for both of my children and myself, broken self esteem and self worth, and shattered lives. This story is my story and it’s not easy to tell. I still shake and cry sometimes when I talk about it in front of others, but I ALSO smile and get goosebumps remembering God’s love for us and how He carried us out of the fire. So, read on if you want to. I hope you find some courage, some smiles, and a friend.

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It’s just a time, right?

5:45 am. 4:12 pm. It’s just a time, right? Well, not exactly. Those are the exact moments that someone I love dearly has passed. I’m sure you have those times in your life. The exact moment when someone has entered this beautiful, and the exact moment someone has left this world for an even more beautiful place than we can imagine. It’s that moment we realize we will never get to laugh with them again or cry with them again or just be with them. Loss is a big part of this life and it’s never easy to cope. Never easy to handle. 

So, what do we do when we lose a loved one? We pray, we cry, we scream, we may even laugh as we go through the motions but one thing is for certain … We all lose. Lose a part of our heart, a part of our world, a part of our smile. We all promise that we will tell everyone we love that we love them and we won’t miss an opportunity to show our love to those around us … But then it happens, another loss and we didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. Life is so short. Even if we live a 100 years, it isn’t that long. Grabbing a hold of life and literally living it to the fullest with our loved ones and living it for God … That should be the ultimate goal in my opinion. Wasting time worrying over the bitter words someone said? Wasting time being upset over something petty? Wasting time worrying if you’re keeping up with the “jones'” so to speak? See, that’s just it. All of those things are just that, a waste. ‘Tis better to spend time laughing and loving I would think. 

There are several things I intend to do for my loved ones. I’m going to sit down and write them letters, just in case. I never want them to wonder how I felt about them. I’m going to take the opportunity to hug them every chance I get … Yep I’m a hugger! I’m going to try and plan my own loss so that my loved ones don’t have to endure the stress of it all. And most importantly, I’m going to do my best to live for God and beg my loved ones to live for God so that one day we may all rejoin in Heaven once again. These are my plans, but as plans often do they get halted and altered, but I’m going to do my best to keep these a priority. 
My heart hurts as a sweet friend passed this morning at 5:45. I’m so thankful to have had her in my life and the selfish part of me wants her here. But the other parts of me can only imagine how much brighter Heaven just got earning this beautiful woman. I miss you sweet friend. 

Depression

Well, where do I even start with this one? Lol. I guess I will start with I am sitting here at midnight writing this, listening to the song The Sound of Silence redone by Disturbed. I haven’t listened to a lot of Disturbed, but wow! What a great powerful song. He nailed it! I have a very diverse taste in music … I literally listen to everything. this song, it feels like it … Fits me. Strange huh? Yeah I know it’s dark, but it’s so powerful and moving and he does such a great job! Music is so powerful to me. It’s how I worship, how I get through anger, sadness, get peppy, etc. I love music. That’s not important. What is important is that I wouldn’t share these words with anyone I know, and since you don’t know me … I will post this. I don’t and won’t tell people that know me because I always hear the same things, “just smile, it will get better”, “it’s in your head”, etc etc etc. Well, I feel my words fall on deaf ears. I feel that no one really understands. I think people try to understand but they really don’t know. But I think if you’re reading this then you must be feeling something similar. I get so deep in my thoughts, feel like I don’t really belong anywhere, feel like I’m never going to feel better (I’ve been sick for about 17 years with autoimmune conditions) and that no one would really notice if I were gone, feel like my best is never going to be good enough for anyone. Now I will add here that I have a few great friends, two incredible children … And yet here I sit … I know I’m blessed but yet I still can’t kick this crap (depression). It’s so frustrating. I put a smile on my face every day. I get out of bed every day (eventually). I try to help others. I try to be good to people. But yet here I still sit wanting to stay in bed every day. Some days I get so sick of being exhausted all the time from my illnesses that I literally just want this all to be done. But then I set there and say “how selfish can you be? So many others have it so much worse off?”  But yet, still, here I sit. Completely and utterly lost. I don’t know, but I do know depression sucks! I hate it. I know I’m not supposed to hate but I do. I hate this. Depression is like your mind has all of the lights off and it’s dark and you’re alone and you try to open the windows and let the light in but suddenly something closes the windows and shoves you back down again. It’s like people knock on the door and want to come in and help but you don’t want to let them into your safe place, you can’t. It’s your safe place. But yet you want to come out in the sunshine and do great just like everyone else. So what do I do? I take my cymbalta every day, I get out of bed every day, I remind myself of the wonderful blessings I have, and I smile and come out just long enough to be acceptable to society but then I crawl back into my safe place.  Thank you for reading these words. I guess I needed to get them out to someone who didn’t know me and wouldn’t think I’m having a “pity party”. Honestly, the people that have those annoy me but this isn’t that. This is different. This is a daily struggle. Have a great night. Sleep well.

A bully isn’t just a child, adult bullies exist too.

So, as I was looking on facebook, I noticed an anti-bully campaign for this young boy. It broke my heart, as does any child that gets hurt, abused, or bullied. I’m so glad there are so many people taking action against bullies and this is something that should be done. However, do you ever hear anything about “adult bullies”? Or hear of anyone taking a stand against them? No, you really don’t.

I have an opinion on adult bullies. I think we, as adults, have failed each other miserably. I include myself in this because I know I have done this same thing and am not proud of it and can guarantee I will not do it again. How many times have you had one friend that you know has spoken about another person negatively to others, things that could or could not be true, things that are mean or rude? Things that could or could not be gossip? Now let me ask, what did you do? Did you say anything? Or did you gradually change the subject? or did you join in? Now let me ask one more thing. If you were to have a get together at your house and you knew you were only inviting one of them because one of them speaks so negatively about that other person … whom would you invite? Most people invite the one that would cause the bigger scene if they weren’t invited … which is the majority of the time the person who is speaking negatively to begin with aka the bully. Now I am not referring to if someone intentionally did harm to someone to make them speak negatively (i.e. sleeping with their husband … which I still believe in praying about the situation and letting God handle it, however their anger I believe is justified) … I am referring to someone who is just flat out being rude about another person that hasn’t done anything, or maybe they have done something minor and has apologized, but doesn’t deserve this sort of treatment. Often times, we will still invite the one that continues to carry out the rude and negative behavior because we don’t want to hurt their feelings, or make them mad, or because we know they will make a scene to others, or (and here’s a biggie) we don’t want to become that bully’s target and “suffer their wrath”. Usually the person being bullied won’t say anything, and will be polite and just move forward even though they are being left out and shouldn’t be. This isn’t right and we are letting each other down and what are we teaching our children by behaving this way? We are also enabling the bully’s behavior. We are teaching the “bully”, our friend, that its okay to treat my other friend/acquaintance/whatever that way because I’m not going to say anything, as long as you aren’t doing it to me. What I personally have done in my home is invited both, and if the bully doesn’t like it they can leave or if they have purposefully tried to make the other person’s life miserable I have told the “bully” I won’t allow that behavior to happen and I am inviting the other person because they haven’t done anything and your behavior is wrong. See, sometimes its hard to be outspoken and its hard to stand up to others, for others … but it all goes back to “What Would Jesus Do?” I don’t think Jesus would allow others to be hurt and tormented and bullied and stand by and do nothing. I see good Christian people every day that allow this kind of behavior to continue … all because we don’t want to get involved, or we don’t want to make them mad at us, or we don’t want to hurt their feelings. We have got to learn as a human race to stand up for one another and not enable these people’s behavior anymore. We often look at a bully as a man who beats a woman, or a verbally abuses a person, or as a school yard bully; but there is so much more to being a bully. What about that person that speaks negatively about another? What about that person that does things to intentionally harm another person’s career, family, friendships for no other reason but jealousy? We teach our children to stand up for those being bullied, but are they witnessing us doing that as adults? We have got to join together and stop this behavior. There are several things we can do to stop this, a major one is — don’t listen to what people have to say about others. If you didn’t see it yourself, then it is hearsay and speculation … and if you did see it, it isn’t your business and not your right to repeat (I’m not talking about murder or something lol … of course that we have to repeat). Something else we can do is set the “bully” down and tell them, friend to friend, that their behavior isn’t appropriate. No they may not like what you have to say, but you have done what is right. We all know, that sometimes doing what is right isn’t the most popular thing and isn’t always going to be well received. My last point I would like to make is, if we set by and do nothing, then we are just as bad as the bully themselves.

These are just my thoughts on adult bullies. I have friends that have been victims of this, I have been a victim of this … and being bullied hurts.

Just a few things to get started :-).

Well where to start? This is my very first blog … so please be nice. If you have any ideas, suggestions, advice, etc … please feel free to contact me. I am a mom of two and absolutely love my kiddos. I have a 15 year old and an 8 year old. I am currently trying to move south but I have to wait for God to open that door :-). I have been writing for years and two important people in my life have as well. My mother and my grandfather. My grandfather was it for me and it broke my heart to lose him In ’08. My mom still writes music and poems, and sings beautifully! Everyone tells me I can sing but I don’t think I sound good at all next to her lol. I have several thoughts on several topics … I hope you find something you like or that can help you on here. Have a great day!